Forward
Answering Machine at Mental Health
Hospital...
Hello, and welcome to the mental health
hotline.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1
repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone
to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3,
4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and
what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace
your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call
will be transferred to the mother ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and
a small voice will tell you which number to
press.
If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't
matter which number you press,
no one will answer.
If you are dyslexic, press
9696969696969696.
If you have a nervous disorder, please
fidget with the pound key until
a representative comes on the line.
If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your
name, address, telephone number, date of birth,
social security number, and your mother's
maiden name.
If you have post-traumatic stress
disorder, s-l-o-w-l-y &c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y
press 0 ! 0 0.
If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave
a message after the beep
or before the beep or after the beep. Please
wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up.
All operators are too busy to talk to you.
If you are menopausal, hang up, turn on the
fan, lay down &cry. You won't be crazy
forever.
A Blog About Nothing
I've missed my bus again.
This time it wasn't because of an unwillingness to throw away a cigarette, but being enticed by a book sale. I'd spent more time looking for books than I'd intended to. Most of this time was spent reading Dr Seuss.
For some reason it made me wish that Notorious BIG were still alive. Maybe he could have helped underprivileged children from the ghetto, teaching them to read and appreciate reading. He would read/rap lyrics based on Dr Seuss passages, sample Timbaland beats and have the occasional guest appearance by an otherwise little known R&B singer. Let's say Ashanti.
Hmm. Then again, maybe not.
I'm fumbling for loose change as the bus arrives. I hop on board and I'm left wanting for a forward facing seat. I feel uncomfortable travelling backwards. It's not so much the motion, but more so the uneasy feeling of not being able to see what most people are seeing. And it's harder to avoid any form of eye contact with strangers.
I turn my head incessantly, the neck guiding my head and field of view through little used angles. It’s the kind of neck spasms that kids perform when they try to lick their right ear. I can feel the heavy stares coming on. They're eyeing my erratic behaviour. Sooner or later somebody will probably offer me an exorcism.
I notice an edited sticker - Video Camera May Be infused - and I'm not quite sure why I bothered to remember it. I watch the couple seated directly opposite me. They are in deep thought , attempting to solve a crossword together. A group of young couples littered the rear end of the bus. I found myself laughing along with them, but felt somewhat silly in finding that I'm still amused by discreet farts surprising strangers. Their facial expressions were brilliant.
Outside, the traffic had built up. The streets were alive with people shopping and dining. Looking through the window, their images were distorted and entangled with neon reflections. I drift off into a light sleep.
A mini dream played in my head, like a preview for an upcoming feature. My car has been broken into, with the stereo and CD's being taken. Suddenly, I'm standing in a quiet park facing a beautiful stranger. We then...
An abrupt stop woke me. I leapt out of the bus in time to hear the doors snap shut cleanly, without a limb of mine being stuck. After a short drive home I walk up the now familiar steps and to my room. I'd forgotten to close my curtains. They'd been open since last night, in hope that the sunlight would act as a visionary alarm. I restrain my impulsive inclinations to switch on a form of electrical device.
The moonlight had painted my room and its fixtures in deep shades of blue.
Sitting on my bedside and facing the night sky, I am suddenly feeling thankful. But for what, I'm not sure.
I've missed my bus again.
This time it wasn't because of an unwillingness to throw away a cigarette, but being enticed by a book sale. I'd spent more time looking for books than I'd intended to. Most of this time was spent reading Dr Seuss.
For some reason it made me wish that Notorious BIG were still alive. Maybe he could have helped underprivileged children from the ghetto, teaching them to read and appreciate reading. He would read/rap lyrics based on Dr Seuss passages, sample Timbaland beats and have the occasional guest appearance by an otherwise little known R&B singer. Let's say Ashanti.
Hmm. Then again, maybe not.
I'm fumbling for loose change as the bus arrives. I hop on board and I'm left wanting for a forward facing seat. I feel uncomfortable travelling backwards. It's not so much the motion, but more so the uneasy feeling of not being able to see what most people are seeing. And it's harder to avoid any form of eye contact with strangers.
I turn my head incessantly, the neck guiding my head and field of view through little used angles. It’s the kind of neck spasms that kids perform when they try to lick their right ear. I can feel the heavy stares coming on. They're eyeing my erratic behaviour. Sooner or later somebody will probably offer me an exorcism.
I notice an edited sticker - Video Camera May Be infused - and I'm not quite sure why I bothered to remember it. I watch the couple seated directly opposite me. They are in deep thought , attempting to solve a crossword together. A group of young couples littered the rear end of the bus. I found myself laughing along with them, but felt somewhat silly in finding that I'm still amused by discreet farts surprising strangers. Their facial expressions were brilliant.
Outside, the traffic had built up. The streets were alive with people shopping and dining. Looking through the window, their images were distorted and entangled with neon reflections. I drift off into a light sleep.
A mini dream played in my head, like a preview for an upcoming feature. My car has been broken into, with the stereo and CD's being taken. Suddenly, I'm standing in a quiet park facing a beautiful stranger. We then...
An abrupt stop woke me. I leapt out of the bus in time to hear the doors snap shut cleanly, without a limb of mine being stuck. After a short drive home I walk up the now familiar steps and to my room. I'd forgotten to close my curtains. They'd been open since last night, in hope that the sunlight would act as a visionary alarm. I restrain my impulsive inclinations to switch on a form of electrical device.
The moonlight had painted my room and its fixtures in deep shades of blue.
Sitting on my bedside and facing the night sky, I am suddenly feeling thankful. But for what, I'm not sure.
A Little Vanity
On the weekend my parents hosted a party for family friends to celebrate Valentines Day. T and I were playing pool, little sister C and her friend L were doing laps underneath the table. A visitor walks in and addresses L.
Hello pretty girl, what's your name?
C pushes L aside.
Hi, I'm C.
On the weekend my parents hosted a party for family friends to celebrate Valentines Day. T and I were playing pool, little sister C and her friend L were doing laps underneath the table. A visitor walks in and addresses L.
Hello pretty girl, what's your name?
C pushes L aside.
Hi, I'm C.
What Happened at the Petrol Station...
I am driving 85 in a kind of morning that lasts all afternoon, just stuck inside the gloom. Four more exits...
Great.
It's 1:00AM, I'm out of petrol and it's going to cost me an arm and leg for a half tank.
I fish around the car for loose change, silently cursing myself for being seduced by a midnight kebab. The residue of garlic sauce left on my fingers overpowered the strong petrol fumes. I watch the bowser gauges with great attention, aware that I cannot go over $20.02.
I slowly walk towards the counter whilst recounting all my loose change. The sliding doors open and the air conditioning pinched me awake. As I bob down to recount the money once more I spot a zip-loc bag on the ground.
Woohoo! Five free Marlboro's!
After paying the attendant I swoop down to the ground, scooping up the treasure swiftly. I let loose a triumphant strut towards the car.
Three more days til Friday.
I am driving 85 in a kind of morning that lasts all afternoon, just stuck inside the gloom. Four more exits...
Great.
It's 1:00AM, I'm out of petrol and it's going to cost me an arm and leg for a half tank.
I fish around the car for loose change, silently cursing myself for being seduced by a midnight kebab. The residue of garlic sauce left on my fingers overpowered the strong petrol fumes. I watch the bowser gauges with great attention, aware that I cannot go over $20.02.
I slowly walk towards the counter whilst recounting all my loose change. The sliding doors open and the air conditioning pinched me awake. As I bob down to recount the money once more I spot a zip-loc bag on the ground.
Woohoo! Five free Marlboro's!
After paying the attendant I swoop down to the ground, scooping up the treasure swiftly. I let loose a triumphant strut towards the car.
Three more days til Friday.
Strange Days
Visited the Powerhouse to see the Tokyo Street Style exhibition. Advice - take time out to read the comments, they're hilarious.
Current obsession - my daddy... (one of those it's-only-funny-if-you-were-there jokes; useful, I know)
Lunched by Coogee beach, waiting for Mary's apparent apparition. Staring at the white post...
ENTER: Two HOT! girls.
I may have missed a miracle, but witnessed another.
60 year old man, in King Gee's and a white bonds singlet, hoola hoop's in Strathfield Square, a confused afternoon crowd looks on. In their eyes you could see internal conflict was taking place.
Mind - don't laugh, just turn away. It's the right and good thing to do. If that were you blah blah blah...
Heart - BAHAHAHAHAHAHHA!
Walked into the empty building and took the lift up to the sixth floor. Five minutes early, but nobody else is around. I re-check the schedule - I'm one week and five minutes early...
Oh, the perks of living a directionless life.
Visited the Powerhouse to see the Tokyo Street Style exhibition. Advice - take time out to read the comments, they're hilarious.
Current obsession - my daddy... (one of those it's-only-funny-if-you-were-there jokes; useful, I know)
Lunched by Coogee beach, waiting for Mary's apparent apparition. Staring at the white post...
ENTER: Two HOT! girls.
I may have missed a miracle, but witnessed another.
60 year old man, in King Gee's and a white bonds singlet, hoola hoop's in Strathfield Square, a confused afternoon crowd looks on. In their eyes you could see internal conflict was taking place.
Mind - don't laugh, just turn away. It's the right and good thing to do. If that were you blah blah blah...
Heart - BAHAHAHAHAHAHHA!
Walked into the empty building and took the lift up to the sixth floor. Five minutes early, but nobody else is around. I re-check the schedule - I'm one week and five minutes early...
Oh, the perks of living a directionless life.
Geology
In the Hunter Valley with my family and D last weekend. Baby sister C walks into the house carrying a plastic bag.
What's in there C?
Treasure.
She hands over several rocks. I point at a red piece that was once the corner of a paver.
What's this one?
It's a red rock.
I look at her handful of treasure again, and point to a white-ish rock with gray and black dots.
How about that one?
It's my Dalmatian rock.
In the Hunter Valley with my family and D last weekend. Baby sister C walks into the house carrying a plastic bag.
What's in there C?
Treasure.
She hands over several rocks. I point at a red piece that was once the corner of a paver.
What's this one?
It's a red rock.
I look at her handful of treasure again, and point to a white-ish rock with gray and black dots.
How about that one?
It's my Dalmatian rock.
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